thought ○ light and the end of the tunnel

i think back several years past, and i can finally say i see the pattern. my own pattern with self sabotaging, self deluding, and self indulging in no particular order. lots of self. but actually no real time with investing within myself. its frustrating to see 10 years of serial monogamy and maybe a year total in between of perfecting my courtship rituals, go by .really as they say in a blink of an eye. where as i could choose to relive any moment from those delusions of grandeur including all the painful sequences. One things for sure i had quality. all of them were, and still are. of high standing. a dime piece if by any standards. all mentally strong and physically beautiful. driven and unique in comparison to the rarest of flowers. bold hearts with symmetrical application, of the finest caliber. ha, even the surprise 24th of the 1st round pick turned out to be a gem. i definitely refined my artistic eye. Although now..left with having only tired eyes and a weary swagger (maybe not so important a nice 42inch lcd) to show for it. only now do i come to the light of the end of my tunnel, and have a clearer view of what might really matter in this life.

someone recently spoke to me, advice from the heart to get me through this most recent troubled of times. he said "if you are not complete inside and your love is not whole. how can you give what you do not have". ive pondered this question for the last month and have grasps its concept. firstly: full blown denial is a beastly thing to overcome it leads to all types of missteps. secondly: loving oneself and improving your own product to its greatest capacity should be always first and foremost. thirdly: once success, or some say inner peace is achieved only then can you share what is called love with someone else. I think its mainly why i have no lasting power in relationships because ive yet to refine my overall. i have everything it takes to woo them and captivate their desires convince them im the real deal and use every trick up myself to swindle them out of their bags of goodies. but when my repertoire runs out, and the honeymoon stage fades. poof.. its like 12 midnight in a disney movie.. *sigh.

here i stand, right now at the edge of town, looking back at a hustling cityscape of scantly women, whistling and shouting my name. ones that i dont know, some i do. some i wish i had known. all eager to mend a wounded heart. with lights in the background and a hypnotizing rhythm echoing off the buildings. each sensation with its familiarity rush my bloodstream like a drug. the endorphins of yesterday and every yesterday of the 10 years before that triggering my synapses and urging my anxiety to push the panic button. to turn back. to run back. worsening with each step i take farther away from what i know. this is the first time ive seen the other side of the tunnel, i usually fall back in routine by now. but i got to tell you, theres something interesting about this journey of self. a true freedom to grow, no parental-type peer molding me. and the idea of perfecting my product, and maybe even having chance at getting the next one to last.. damn i hope she has tig o' bitties.. welp somethings will never change

thought ] bruce "to-the" lee

“Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable.”


and at times i feel the most enduring of love is a friendship. with all interactions.. to professional love equaling admiration, to peer to peer bro-mance/manlove aka respect. ha

~denn

thought - latenight in the rain

as the clouds whisper about me, and leak their secrets in the crisp night air.
i can't help but remember your warmth of being there.
during a previous drizzle of romance and emotion.
i would use the same kind of cool moisture to carry my love notions.
it was a time when they would soak in deeply and refresh your anticipation.
where your reach for me was rewarding for you and without hesitation.
the only thing that would make you quiver were my promises that caressed your face. taking our imaginations and lifting our dreams to a far off place.
warm days for your taste and cool nights for mine.
given me no particular reason to enjoy your embrace.
while we would kindly unwind.
funny thing i can't ever recall any music playing in the backround,
your voice and laughter were the only enjoyable memories of sound.
next to that soft water splatter on the window pain,
all on a similar,

late night in the rain.

thought - love is..

fragile, passionate, ecstatic, caring, trusting, viral, clouding,

listful vengenace, fine lined, chemicall intoxicating, addictive,

numbing, misleading, fleeting,

sincere.

thought - organic coffee

rich, slow drip, crushed grinds.
behind the awakening of my mind.
unadulterated caffeinated in a corrugated cardboard cup.
self sufficient on a personal mission, hand held, warm to the touch.
not cost effective, reminder of some past electives, always calls my bluff.
morning or midnight, personal jet,
small flight, deny that landing yet?
diuretic everything copacetic.

Pass through liquid.