thought ○ light and the end of the tunnel

i think back several years past, and i can finally say i see the pattern. my own pattern with self sabotaging, self deluding, and self indulging in no particular order. lots of self. but actually no real time with investing within myself. its frustrating to see 10 years of serial monogamy and maybe a year total in between of perfecting my courtship rituals, go by .really as they say in a blink of an eye. where as i could choose to relive any moment from those delusions of grandeur including all the painful sequences. One things for sure i had quality. all of them were, and still are. of high standing. a dime piece if by any standards. all mentally strong and physically beautiful. driven and unique in comparison to the rarest of flowers. bold hearts with symmetrical application, of the finest caliber. ha, even the surprise 24th of the 1st round pick turned out to be a gem. i definitely refined my artistic eye. Although now..left with having only tired eyes and a weary swagger (maybe not so important a nice 42inch lcd) to show for it. only now do i come to the light of the end of my tunnel, and have a clearer view of what might really matter in this life.

someone recently spoke to me, advice from the heart to get me through this most recent troubled of times. he said "if you are not complete inside and your love is not whole. how can you give what you do not have". ive pondered this question for the last month and have grasps its concept. firstly: full blown denial is a beastly thing to overcome it leads to all types of missteps. secondly: loving oneself and improving your own product to its greatest capacity should be always first and foremost. thirdly: once success, or some say inner peace is achieved only then can you share what is called love with someone else. I think its mainly why i have no lasting power in relationships because ive yet to refine my overall. i have everything it takes to woo them and captivate their desires convince them im the real deal and use every trick up myself to swindle them out of their bags of goodies. but when my repertoire runs out, and the honeymoon stage fades. poof.. its like 12 midnight in a disney movie.. *sigh.

here i stand, right now at the edge of town, looking back at a hustling cityscape of scantly women, whistling and shouting my name. ones that i dont know, some i do. some i wish i had known. all eager to mend a wounded heart. with lights in the background and a hypnotizing rhythm echoing off the buildings. each sensation with its familiarity rush my bloodstream like a drug. the endorphins of yesterday and every yesterday of the 10 years before that triggering my synapses and urging my anxiety to push the panic button. to turn back. to run back. worsening with each step i take farther away from what i know. this is the first time ive seen the other side of the tunnel, i usually fall back in routine by now. but i got to tell you, theres something interesting about this journey of self. a true freedom to grow, no parental-type peer molding me. and the idea of perfecting my product, and maybe even having chance at getting the next one to last.. damn i hope she has tig o' bitties.. welp somethings will never change