thought ◄ me

as i sit here and get lost in the thoughts of what ive done, you know the typical "coulda woulda shoulda" as my dad would say. I could beat myself up over and over again. but i figure it should stop. my own punishment of my past, the lamenting the regret. should be left behind. My failed friendships my failed relationships. all done. and thats it.. experience. im left with an wound that i refuse to close because i havent forgiven myself. conscious mistakes? .. sub conscious even, like a scary movie cliche i run down that corridor that everyone knows the monsters in, probably even that particular actor, maybe im running to face my fear, or im running to get it over with. because lets face it, its much easier to quit. to allow something else to make the decision for me/it/us/we... and thats what i feel ive been doing.. being a quitter.. for myself.. for myself worth, respect. hell its hard to even look in the mirror without frowning. i cant remember the last time i walked with a honest smile. i should of known better when i started getting the feeling everyone was out to get me, or at least the felling that they are trying to disrespect me. or perhaps they were just following my lead. Maybe they figure since i dont respect myself, then why should they. im scared.. 100percent, im not sure if i can make the change necessary to grow. up... upwards toward a better me. toward a productive healthy me. ive been waiting for someone to rescue me, i guess like as gay as it sounds.. a princess, a fairy tale meeting, that someone finds me.. understands my issues and fixes them for me?.. have i been waiting for myself to save myself. i figure why people turn to jesus, or a faith.. its easier to accept things that they cannot control, like someone is in their corner.. but when the whole time they just needed themselves. i need me to wake up.. to chalk my past youth up and grown.. i need to get on the ball and go find what will rescue me, because being 30 and still waiting is pretty sad, im like peter pan. eternally an indian summer, hoping a wendy will just float down to my world and see all the fine things ive done with the lost boys, and figure im worth it.. i am worth it.. dammit dennis wake up..wake up!!!!

maybe its time i quit those things toxic to me. starting with.. sensimillia..