thought ○ light and the end of the tunnel

i think back several years past, and i can finally say i see the pattern. my own pattern with self sabotaging, self deluding, and self indulging in no particular order. lots of self. but actually no real time with investing within myself. its frustrating to see 10 years of serial monogamy and maybe a year total in between of perfecting my courtship rituals, go by .really as they say in a blink of an eye. where as i could choose to relive any moment from those delusions of grandeur including all the painful sequences. One things for sure i had quality. all of them were, and still are. of high standing. a dime piece if by any standards. all mentally strong and physically beautiful. driven and unique in comparison to the rarest of flowers. bold hearts with symmetrical application, of the finest caliber. ha, even the surprise 24th of the 1st round pick turned out to be a gem. i definitely refined my artistic eye. Although now..left with having only tired eyes and a weary swagger (maybe not so important a nice 42inch lcd) to show for it. only now do i come to the light of the end of my tunnel, and have a clearer view of what might really matter in this life.

someone recently spoke to me, advice from the heart to get me through this most recent troubled of times. he said "if you are not complete inside and your love is not whole. how can you give what you do not have". ive pondered this question for the last month and have grasps its concept. firstly: full blown denial is a beastly thing to overcome it leads to all types of missteps. secondly: loving oneself and improving your own product to its greatest capacity should be always first and foremost. thirdly: once success, or some say inner peace is achieved only then can you share what is called love with someone else. I think its mainly why i have no lasting power in relationships because ive yet to refine my overall. i have everything it takes to woo them and captivate their desires convince them im the real deal and use every trick up myself to swindle them out of their bags of goodies. but when my repertoire runs out, and the honeymoon stage fades. poof.. its like 12 midnight in a disney movie.. *sigh.

here i stand, right now at the edge of town, looking back at a hustling cityscape of scantly women, whistling and shouting my name. ones that i dont know, some i do. some i wish i had known. all eager to mend a wounded heart. with lights in the background and a hypnotizing rhythm echoing off the buildings. each sensation with its familiarity rush my bloodstream like a drug. the endorphins of yesterday and every yesterday of the 10 years before that triggering my synapses and urging my anxiety to push the panic button. to turn back. to run back. worsening with each step i take farther away from what i know. this is the first time ive seen the other side of the tunnel, i usually fall back in routine by now. but i got to tell you, theres something interesting about this journey of self. a true freedom to grow, no parental-type peer molding me. and the idea of perfecting my product, and maybe even having chance at getting the next one to last.. damn i hope she has tig o' bitties.. welp somethings will never change

thought :3 you dont say

hmm.. im surprised, i figure myself a pretty strong minded, strong willed person. i never considered to be in denial. now that i read back over the couple of months of slightly writing and missing months at a time. i realize it now. but maybe you just realized it sooner. wow. #toxic #thankyou

thought -__- about you

if you read this one day, and have and open mind, and open heart. know that i only wish to leave you better than when we found each other.

when we met it was crazy, every time we danced it was in circles. it was dizzying. we fell and stumbled emotionally exhausted by the courtship, by the struggles for control, or our bouts of understanding. time sped by and our souls imprinted on each other, perhaps yours more on mine. i rarely feel secure with your whimsical approach to life, but i appreciate its honesty and straight direction. those words are clearer to me now, you know that Mr. Mraz song.. you know the one.. with dresses and trash. i can relate now. theres a contradiction in your loving style, that i cant get enough of. like and addiction. this time i didnt fall into it, but it sank in and got comfortable to its daily application to my heart. it hurts.. but when its good its great. im scared, and worried. that a lot of pain is to come in my future, by my own design? do i blame myself now. or thank myself later, or perhaps reward myself at the end with the cliche i told you so. but ive grabbed hold on to that hope, that i will be surprised. and maybe the reward in the end.. will be you completely.

thought :3. fantastic fingers!

Judith Braun! i happen to stumbled upon this fantastically talented artist. In some recent work, she pokes at one of the earliest techniques of art. finger painting. Using charcoal or paste her simple approach captures the form wonderfully and her pieces look naturally and organically symmetrical

thought :3. its been a while

since the last time i was here, since the last time i wrote in despair
since the last time i saw your face, since i had a bitter sweet taste.
since i spoke with keen emphasis and deep hearted , since i looked back to where all this started. from then its been way to long that a life time has past. lost some old friends gained some new ones hoping they last. tackled just about the same type of workload somethings dont change, even my complaint of my work flow. i miss my free writes and i miss my journal of time, my funny poems where the words.. work. ha :)

thought !! similar findings

the first warm summer night of the season, do you remember? we spoke, or atleast tried too. i was trying, you know i always try, annoying as it was, as it were, as it maybe. heh. i was digging while you were digging, then you complained to me that i handed you the shovel. I questioned myself, and firmed my resolve as i began my own interrogation with you, and perhaps with me at the same time. inquires about why, and acceptance about your simple why-nots. i cant blame you, i deduced that you were taught that way, and havent met someone who challenges you as i do. who provokes you to be a deeper thinking a stronger heart, a cooler demeaner. am i right in my approach? perhaps not always. but im true in my intent and honest is my deliveries. collateral damage is the least of my fears at this point. im bound to figure it out, im willing to get everything out of this journey contructively, and when it ends, the semblance of me looking back. will offer thanks for the invaluable , yet expensive knowledge. war torn and scarred romantic.

thought about thoughts

what shall i name my new venture?

im entertaining the idea of .."d for dialogue?"??.

cheese ha.. i know but maybe something with a new focus.

not so intimate no so intense?

a separations of sorts from my daily thoughts that

usually engage the idea of asparerations or realizations.

jokes humor favorite youtube clips on one side

the other side other, you know the usual a long rant or rave,

that i might find fun to word vomit about.

this is and old post revived.. lets see if i can tie up loose ends

thought about thoughts

thought * forget me not

these waters are cold and chilling, unforgiving, and reckless with the psyche. the winds blow at a tempermental state and occasionally shout obscenities in each ear as it whips by. the skies are overcast, with a murky quality to them. with sun just on the verge of breaking through the haze, giving a sense of hope, falsely. but somehow this ship is familiar, the creaks the groans of the wood. i can smell the faint rot and moisture upon everything. the echo of emptiness below well known. this voyage is manditory, tickets are for the very unlucky many who fail at their attempt to win at pleasure island. with a return journey we all know about but tend to ignore. i am alone on this ship, but know i am not the only passenger... cont..

thought ◄ ive returned, again

a new outlook? naa most likely not. relaxed? just a little more. my employer is treating me well and my homespace is at least comfortable for the most part. finding a little focus by being myself. an adjustment, realignment, of the stars? possibly. i doubt they'll ever be some cataclysmic change, you know, time keeps on slipping, into the future. and we just keep on swimming, you know like that ellen fish. 31 is close. damn where did the time go.

thought ◄ me

as i sit here and get lost in the thoughts of what ive done, you know the typical "coulda woulda shoulda" as my dad would say. I could beat myself up over and over again. but i figure it should stop. my own punishment of my past, the lamenting the regret. should be left behind. My failed friendships my failed relationships. all done. and thats it.. experience. im left with an wound that i refuse to close because i havent forgiven myself. conscious mistakes? .. sub conscious even, like a scary movie cliche i run down that corridor that everyone knows the monsters in, probably even that particular actor, maybe im running to face my fear, or im running to get it over with. because lets face it, its much easier to quit. to allow something else to make the decision for me/it/us/we... and thats what i feel ive been doing.. being a quitter.. for myself.. for myself worth, respect. hell its hard to even look in the mirror without frowning. i cant remember the last time i walked with a honest smile. i should of known better when i started getting the feeling everyone was out to get me, or at least the felling that they are trying to disrespect me. or perhaps they were just following my lead. Maybe they figure since i dont respect myself, then why should they. im scared.. 100percent, im not sure if i can make the change necessary to grow. up... upwards toward a better me. toward a productive healthy me. ive been waiting for someone to rescue me, i guess like as gay as it sounds.. a princess, a fairy tale meeting, that someone finds me.. understands my issues and fixes them for me?.. have i been waiting for myself to save myself. i figure why people turn to jesus, or a faith.. its easier to accept things that they cannot control, like someone is in their corner.. but when the whole time they just needed themselves. i need me to wake up.. to chalk my past youth up and grown.. i need to get on the ball and go find what will rescue me, because being 30 and still waiting is pretty sad, im like peter pan. eternally an indian summer, hoping a wendy will just float down to my world and see all the fine things ive done with the lost boys, and figure im worth it.. i am worth it.. dammit dennis wake up..wake up!!!!

maybe its time i quit those things toxic to me. starting with.. sensimillia..

thought ◄ what luxury

i would like to think i am blessed. that is to say, if for every person on this planet there is a certain allotted point count that equates someones success or worth. I myself score high on the scale. with excess points to spare in those intangible categories like luck and charisma. i credit my parents my siblings and my sense of self. so if any time in the near or distant future that i stand unappreciative or angry that situations dont resolve into my preferred fashion. i am for all things considered am happy.

sometimes we all need a reminder or perhaps a moment to breathe.. . . .

thought ◄ belated xmas wish

is it to late? will i have to wait till next year?..

i just want a friend. that would be pretty cool.

thought ◄ tonight was a goodnight

as the night progressed several things came into play that just made it better than most. but at the very top of the list.. i shook hands with Barry Sanders!..






tonight was a goodnight, and the fried rice hit the spot!